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Good morning! And welcome to my Blog Nomadic Gemini Where we hold space for transforming trauma, igniting your purpose, and rewriting your story, one chapter at a time.
This is part 4 of a 26 part series: Unraveling the Past from A-Z: Exploring the Layers of Trauma and Uncovering a Path Towards Healing.
This series delves into the enduring impact of childhood trauma, unraveling the persistent memories that linger and shape our adult selves.
We navigate the intricate web of generational trauma, exploring its influence on our thoughts, emotions, and identity.
Confronting our ghosts, shedding layers of false identities we’ve accepted as truth, and rewriting our narrative, we embark on a journey of healing and self-discovery.
Each chapter rewritten is a step towards healing the deep-seated wounds that bind us.
Today, I delve into the layers of the letter “D” in my life through the lens of:
I am dancing (reconnecting with my childhood self),
I am divorce (unraveling the effects of trauma),
I am discovery (embracing transformation and purpose).
Determination becomes an ally in breaking free from the chains of trauma, a path forward to liberation from the past.
Let's dive into the transformative power of determination, discovering, and dreaming as we embark on this journey together.
Dance Like No One's Watching: Embracing My Inner Child
Close your eyes for a moment and think back to your own childhood.
Can you picture a time when you moved, or played, or danced effortlessly and with pure abandon, losing yourself in the rhythm of your own heartbeat? Losing track of time without a care in the world?
That moment for me was at Donna Woods Dance Studio in my hometown, I think I was just 3 or 4, where I uncovered the sheer bliss of tap dancing my way through life.
In those carefree days of childhood, dance was my language, speaking volumes
where words fell short.
It was a time when fear took a backseat, laughter was my constant companion, and freedom was my wildest dance partner.
I was fearless. I was fun. I was free.
As I got a little older, I began to perform in competitions alongside some of my very best friends. Learning to perform proved to be a transformative journey.
As I stood backstage, surrounded by the sound of tap shoes clattering against the wooden floor, my heart fluttered with nerves.
But once the spotlight hit the stage and I heard the cheerful applause of the audience, my anxiety eventually melted away. The encouraging smiles of my instructors and the uplifting cheers of my fellow dancers filled me with confidence.
As the music started, I tapped my way across the stage, feeling the rhythm in my bones.
Surrounded by the familiar faces of my friends and the unwavering support of my loved ones, I danced with pure joy, losing myself in the music and the freedom of self-expression.
To be completely honest, I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I abandoned dance and swap my tap shoes for piano keys, but my innocent little idealistic life began to unravel somewhere around the age of 6, and that’s when I started taking piano lessons instead.
Music, for me, was like magic - a sanctuary that enveloped me in a cocoon of safety, offering solace to my weary soul during every hardship I faced as I navigated through the turbulent waters of growing up, and most especially when trauma took root and threatened to darken my soul.
In Mr. Smith’s 9th grade class at Moon Valley High School in Phoenix, Arizona, my passion for creative writing bloomed, igniting a fire that has burned within me ever since.
Rather than seeking solace through tapping out rhythms on the wooden floors in Donna Wood’s Dance Studio or singing my heart out as I played the piano for hours on end, I delved into a world of daydreams, crafting characters in poetry and prose to outrun the shadows of my past traumas.
Throughout my life, dance, songwriting, and the catharsis of creative expression have transformed my pain into a weapon of survival.
Writing became my sanctuary, the place where I could untangle my emotions and unleash them, avoiding the suffocating grip of fear that held me captive in solitude, not only while surviving all of the emotions and fears that come with my parent’s divorce, but as I found myself facing the end of my own first marriage and struggled to find a way to breathe in the aftermath.
Weathering the Storm: Strategies for Coping with the Emotional Fallout of Divorce
I am Divorce…
My Parents Divorced
In the alphabet of trauma, the letter 'D' for divorce stands out prominently in my story.
The seismic shift of my parents' initial separation shook the foundation of my little 6-year-old world. The once familiar landscape of family life became fractured, leaving me to navigate a new reality filled with uncertainty and emotional upheaval.
As my parents parted ways, I found myself caught in the crossfire of their emotions. The feeling of being torn between two worlds, of being alienated from one parent, became a heavy burden to bear.
That sense of profound loss and disconnection lingered over the years, shaping my perception of relationships and trust.
Pictures of my dad, my grandparents were destroyed in anger, and those memories of my life would have been gone forever had my grandma not secretly pulled them from the pile of rubbish tossed out for the garbageman to pick up.
Eventually, life moved on and my parents both remarried. The introduction of step-children and the dynamics of a blended family added a new layer of complexity to my experience. Navigating the intricacies of these relationships required patience, understanding, and a willingness to embrace change.
But during the alienation from not being able to be a part of one parent’s life (not by my choosing) I often felt isolated and alone.
I’m sure many of you have experienced these same emotions, either in childhood or as an adult facing your own challenges in the aftermath of divorce.
Unfortunately, children often find themselves caught in the crossfire of conflict between their parents. Feelings of alienation and confusion can cloud their sense of self, leaving them struggling to navigate their own identity amid the turmoil no matter how hard we try to avoid it.
My Own Divorce: The Catalyst for Change
The decision to end my own marriage at the age of 30 was a pivotal moment in my life, marking a definitive break in the pattern of trauma that had woven its way through my existence.
The separation brought with it feelings of loss, alienation, and uncertainty, yet also offered the promise of liberation and self-discovery.
God, did I try to make it work. I never ever wanted my kids to go through the things I did as a child. I would have done anything to protect them from that pain.
But my ex had different plans and though I tried to maneuver around his narcissism and hoped that we could co-parent and find a happy medium and enough common ground to make it work, he was hell bent on making me pay, presumably for the rest of my life on earth.
My whole world shattered the day that he lied to a judge and told them I abandoned my kids and he hadn’t seen me in months, all while I was sitting in the car downstairs in the parking lot waiting for him to sign his copy of the amicable divorce papers I had drafted to save us both money. The same ones he agreed would work best for us all.
Shortly after, the judge signed primary custody over to him, he packed everything he owned, crossed the state line and started a new life, taking my kids and my heart with him.
I was devastated.
Being alienated from my babies left me isolated and depressed and I began to question my worth not only as a parent but as a person.
I faced many days falling into a deep, dark tunnel with no end in sight. The grief I experienced was all-encompassing and I felt like I was suffocating without them.
When the pain became unbearable, the idea of just ending it all crossed my mind more times than I’d like to admit.
The man I’ve been married to now for almost 25 years literally saved my life, as he continuously pulled me back up out of that deep despair and reminded me that there is always hope and that I was not alone. That someday, this nightmare would be behind us, and we would be a family again.
After years of prayer and navigating the challenges of living so far away from my kids, I confronted my fears and insecurities, shedding the layers of past hurts and allowing myself to envision a new beginning.
Because God is good and he answers prayers, not always in the timeframe or in the ways we’d expect, the nightmare was over and our little family was reunited once again.
It took years for me to feel like I was myself again for a while. And now that I’m in mid-life, menopausal, and an empty nester all at once, I find myself searching for that woman I once was and wondering when I lost her and desperately trying to get her back.
I don’t know what that looks like in the future, but at this moment in my life, this season I sometimes struggle to work my way through, I can tell you that forgiveness and self-discovery are the catalysts for that change.
Embracing the unknown: A Personal Journey in Self-Discovery.
So, who am I now?
I want to touch a little more on the topic of forgiveness before I move forward.
One of the most powerful acts of discovering who I am again is the journey toward forgiveness.
For me, it’s been a transformative process that is constantly evolving and liberates my spirit from the shackles of bitterness, resentment, anger, and animosity I’ve kept bottled up towards others for years.
Forgiveness is not about condoning the actions of others; rather, it is a conscious choice to release the burden of carrying that pain inside, because by forgiving others, we free ourselves from the chains of the past and open our hearts to the possibility of love.
For me, it’s been a journey of learning to love others, but most importantly learning to find and love ourselves again.
Embracing the journey of self-discovery and transformation is akin to embarking on a thrilling adventure, brimming with twists and turns, challenges, and triumphs.
Throughout this epic quest, we frequently ponder the profound question - Who am I now? This contemplation prompts us to venture deep within ourselves, to unearth the core of our being, and to redefine our identity in a world that is ever-evolving.
LETTING THE PAST GO:
The first step on this quest of discovering myself again has been learning to let the pain of the past go. And that’s one of the most difficult parts for me.
I’ve learned that though the past held memories of pain, heartache, and disappointment, it does not define who I am today.
As we navigate the terrain of self-discovery, we must learn to release the grip of past traumas and wounds.
Letting go of the pain of the past is a courageous act of self-love that paves the way for healing, growth, and renewal.
By acknowledging our past hurts and embracing forgiveness, we can break free from the chains that bind us and move forward with grace and resilience.
BREAKING GENERATIONAL TRAUMA:
And through that process of forgiving those who have wronged us, as we unravel the layers of our identity, we may uncover the legacy of generational trauma that has been passed down through the ages.
Recognizing the patterns of dysfunction and pain that have shaped our lives is the first step toward breaking the cycle.
By becoming a catalyst for change, we can create a new narrative of healing and empowerment for ourselves and future generations.
With a fierce determination to break the cycle of suffering, we can pave the way for a legacy of resilience, strength, and love.
LEARNING TO DREAM AGAIN:
For those who have weathered the storm of life's challenges, rekindling the flame of dreams and aspirations can be a daunting task. However, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, we have the power to reignite our passions and embrace the joy of daydreaming once more.
By nurturing our inner dreamer, we can tap into a wellspring of creativity, inspiration, and hope that propels us toward a brighter future and will become a catalyst for change.
By allowing ourselves to dream again, we open the door to new opportunities and adventures that can lead us to a more joyful and enriching life.
A Liberation of the Soul
Generational trauma is a burden that can be passed down through families, affecting each generation in different ways. But we have the power to break this cycle by being a beacon of change and healing.
By acknowledging the patterns of trauma within our family history, we can work towards breaking the cycle and creating a new legacy of resilience, self-love, and growth.
It takes determination, courage, and a strong sense of self-awareness to break free from generational trauma, but the rewards of liberation and empowerment are immeasurable.
Forgiveness is not just about letting go of past hurts or grievances; it is a powerful catalyst for personal transformation.
When we choose to forgive, we release ourselves from the burden of carrying resentment and anger, paving the way for healing and growth.
Forgiveness is not easy, but it is necessary for our own peace of mind and well-being.
The pain of the past can weigh heavily on our hearts and minds, inhibiting our ability to move forward with clarity and purpose.
But by consciously choosing every single day to let go of this pain, we free ourselves from the shackles of the past and open ourselves up to new beginnings and opportunities for growth.
It is a transformative act of self-love and self-compassion.
Along the path of healing and self-discovery, I stumbled and faltered, making mistakes that threatened to derail my progress. Yet, with each misstep, I learned valuable lessons about resilience and perseverance, recognizing that mistakes are not failures but rather stepping stones towards growth.
Through trial and error, I discovered the strength and courage to confront my past traumas head-on, paving the way for a brighter and more authentic future.
As we journey through the layers of trauma, separating ourselves from the past, and rediscovering who we are meant to become, may we embrace the complexities of our past experiences and use them as catalysts for transformation.
This year, I have been daydreaming more than ever about the things I want for my life in what feels like a 3rd phase, and I’m tired of waiting for it to magically happen.
I’m determined to make it through this next stage, not unscathed, but with scars and battle wounds to prove how hard I fought to survive.
Now, I love video games, so I feel like I’ve been battling this last stage of a video game and losing lives and I’m on my last life and if I can just reach past that point and slay the dragon, I am about to level up!
I’m opening myself up this year to become a Dreamer once again and reconnecting with the real me.
The me who is revisiting the experiences that allowed me to dance as a child without fear. I am reconnecting with that inner child and embracing the freedom of self-expression once again.
So, why not put on your favorite music, dance like no one's watching, and rediscover the joy of being truly yourself - just as you did when you were a child?
Embrace your inner child and let your spirit soar on the dance floor of life.
Like a daydreamer awakening to a new reality, I embrace the role of the dreamer and I am determined to be a seeker of light amidst the darkness.
Mistakes become lessons, scars turn into symbols of survival, and the journey towards healing unfolds before me one lesson, one day, one chapter at a time.
So, in conclusion…
Trauma may have shaped my past, but it does not define my future!!!
I am dancing again. I am beyond my brutal divorce. And I am searching for the woman I want to become and finding myself along the way through determination, dreaming, and self-discovery.
And in this journey of unraveling the past, I have found the path that leads me towards a brighter, more hopeful tomorrow.
So, I invite you to join me on this journey of breaking the chains of trauma.
Let's embrace discovery as a tool for healing, allowing our dreams and determination to flourish while acknowledging the scars that shaped us.
Together, we can carve out a path to freedom and healing, reclaiming our voices and rewriting our stories one chapter at a time, where forgiveness, dreams, determination, and discovery abound.
I hope you'll continue to join me for this brand-new series about Unraveling the Past from A-Z: Exploring the Layers of Trauma and Uncovering a Path Towards Healing.
I hope this episode has motivated you as much as it has me to want to unravel those layers so that eventually we can learn to thrive, not just to merely survive as we’ve done in the past.
Most of all, hope, I hope you know that you are loved, you are worthy, and you are enough, no matter where you are in your healing journey.
Together, we can, and will, heal as we learn to let the past go and welcome in this next chapter, turning pages of transformation, healing, and change.
I can't wait to see where this new road takes us as we embrace this new year and make it into everything we need it to be.
Thanks for being here. And thanks for making a difference in my life.
I wouldn't be where I am today without you.
Hang in there, and know that you are loved from here to the universe and back.
Until next time, I am unconditionally yours,
All my love,
~ Sadie
